remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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