I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
