How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
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