i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
