I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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