Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
