wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
