and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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