I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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