At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
