I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
