it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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