my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let's paint friendship bongs
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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