I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
