just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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