haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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