By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
