Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
