U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
