this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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