our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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