I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
