I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
