Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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