she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my being single is dangerous.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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