I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
