I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
