Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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