So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
