i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
