Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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