Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
