last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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