Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
