Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
there is puke in my bra ... again
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