New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she told me i tasted like america
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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