Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
