my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I still have a little drunk in my system
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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