No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
