but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
