dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
