Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
