My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
