I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
