I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
