Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
