splinters make it hard to masturbate
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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