so explain again why im purple
no
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
