Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
