My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
