Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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