At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
