The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
