Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
