I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
