I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
